B1G Recap: Guy's American Kitchen & Bar

By Johnny Ginter on November 18, 2012 at 7:01a
14 Comments

Hours passed. A Himalayas worth of Dave and Buster's signature Mountain O' Nachos were consumed. The Natty flowed freely. Bret Bielema's shirt was inevitably ripped off and thrown on the ground as he lowered himself into a three-point stance to take on the crane game which had taunted him all night.

Guy is the B1G. I am the New York Times.

"I WILL HAVE MY SONIC PLUSHIE!" roared Bielema as he took the 1,200-pound box of glass and metal head on. In an effect not unlike a greasy jell-o mold thrown at the window of the Madison Big and Tall Gentlemen's Clothing Store (which Bielema had been banned from for going on three years), the porcine coach thundered against the side of the machine and, being even more sticky and sweaty then usual, slowly slid down the side, leaving a trail of crumbs and spittle in his wake.

Down but not defeated, Bielema pulled out his trump card: a solid gold business card from Donald Trump he had earned by way of nearly single-handedly keeping Trump's casino afloat. Smashing it into the glass, Bielema forced his way into the crane game and retrieved his prize, holding it aloft over his head and sobbing as if he'd just lost to Ohio State at home. Again.

As he sucked in precious oxygen through his pursed and flabby lips, the Wisconsin football coach looked through his beady, squinty eyes and saw that the Dane County Animal Control had once again been brought in to end his fun. As he felt the familiar sting of the tranq darts in his neck and began to fade to black, he knew only one thing. It had been the best Sunday he'd had in months.

NORTHWESTERN 23, MICHIGAN STATE 20

We like to joke about Mark Dantonio being a giant, festering ball of hate and evil (that we kind of enjoy because of that fact), but for real, it'd be pretty hard not to be given how much Michigan State has underachieved this year. The Spartans outplayed Northwestern for most of the game yesterday, but four turnovers completely torpedoed any shot that they might've had at winning the game. Le'Veon Bell had 133 yards but it took him like a bajillion carries to get there so who cares.

Northwestern, on the other hand, gleefully took the lead in the fourth quarter on a field goal and managed to hold on to run their record to 8-3, and will be rewarded with a 25% discount to participating Discovery Store locations across America.

PURDUE 20, ILLINOIS 17

"Ah yes," thought Danny Hope incorrectly as he stroked his luxurious mustache, "this win will surely save my job!"

Although is it really a win if you only beat the Big Ten's most completely, pants-shittingly bad football team by three points? Oh ho, but wait! It was on the road in Champaign, which has to count for something, right? I mean, look, you don't just walk into Memorial Stadium in front of FORTY TWO THOUSAND mostly bored Illini fans and expect to come out with a W. Thank God for Robert Marve's mostly competent play at QB for the Boilermakers, who held off a fourth-quarter comeback from the B1G team least likely to ever mount a comeback in anything.

"Just eat it you dumb kid, I'm on tv"

Purdue also got two pretty decent running games from Shavers and Bolden, and are one win away from being eligible for a bowl game that they will most assuredly get totally destroyed in, probably by Louisiana Tech or something, I don't know.

PENN STATE 45, INDIANA 22

There was a lot of speculation on the internets last night about the future job status of Bill O'Brien. As in, "why would a competent football coach stay at a school with no hope of doing anything or going anywhere for what will seem like a literal eternity in football years?" And frankly, I don't know why he would either. Penn State has somehow cobbled together a season far better than anyone ever expected, and last night ran train against an Indiana team that looked totally lost on all fronts. In a game that means nothing because Penn State has nothing but the dark abyss to stare into for the next decade.

The worse news for Penn State is that Matt McGloin has evolved into a good-to-really good quarterback about three years too late for it to matter at all, so despite looking like the second coming of Brett Favre (22/32, 395 yards, 4 TDs) and also making Allen Robinson look like a first-round pick at receiver, who cares? Oh and Michael Mauti got hurt. See? Their situation is so dire that even a standard in-conference blow out is depressing. Let's move on.

NEBRASKA 38, MINNESOTA 14

Statement gaaaammmeee! Bo Pelini is kind of an oversized petulant child as a coach, and I think sometimes he and Taylor Martinez feel the need to shake off the haters every once in a while. Honestly I'm of the opinion that this is the best bowl-eligible team in the Big Ten, although I'm not really sure that shutting out Minnesota for three quarters is really hard evidence to back that up.

Still, Martinez looked great (as he is apt to like every third game or so), and their defense held the Golden Gophers to 177 yards of total offense. Which is kind of hilarious once you think about it, because that's not even one lap of a football field. Charlie Weis eats like 177 yards of Fruit by the Foot a month. One thing to keep an eye on, however, is that Nebraska has a decidedly meh rushing game without Rex Burkhead, and that could (will) screw them over in a potential title game.

MICHIGAN 42, IOWA 17

I hate Michigan. I see Brady Hoke's face in every greasy, not quite done omelette I have ever eaten. Denard Robinson's vapid, Opie-esque smile just bugs the living hell out of me. And beyond that, how they've managed to somehow create an offense like a thousand times better than the one they had before Denard got hurt is completely infuriating. Devin Gardner, in defiance of God's will, passed for over 300 yards and accounted for six touchdowns, while Denard (who started at running back) averaged 7.5 yards per carry on the day.

My only consolation is the small joy that I take in the idea that Michigan forced their best actual QB to play wide receiver for most of the season while they had their best running back play quarterback and their best stuffed cannoli pretend to be a football coach. It's hilarious and depressing and holy crap we better beat these idiots next week.

...

One more game to go to perfection. I'll say this: I had been waiting all season to write another version of this recap, in the event of an Ohio State conference loss. A fawning, happy, sunshine and rainbows and puppies recap talking about how great the ol' B1G is.

I never, ever, want to have to write that post. Let's get to it, Buckeyes.

14 Comments

Comments

iball's picture

This article wreaks of bitterness. Damn you Terrelle Pryor..... Id GIVE you fucking $2000 bucks for our post season back. Damn you......

“There’s one thing I have learned through all my adventures and conquests - it’s that some people are just wired for success. I had no choice when it came to being great - I just am great.” – Kenny Powers

CALPOPPY's picture

Without Pryor, we wouldn't have Meyer and wouldn't be here now, either.

I'm a hurtin' buckaroo.

RBuck's picture

While you're at it, give Posey $3000. The FTM came as a result of him and Bobby G.

"It's just another case of there you are". ~ Doc (1918-2012)

Alhan's picture

wreak
verb (used with object)
1.  to inflict or execute (punishment, vengeance, etc.): They wreaked havoc on the enemy.
2.  to carry out the promptings of (one's rage, ill humor, will, desire, etc.), as on a victim or object: He wreaked his anger on the office staff.
reek
noun
1.  a strong, unpleasant smell.
2.  vapor or steam.
verb (used without object)
3.  to smell strongly and unpleasantly.
4.  to be strongly pervaded with something unpleasant or offensive.
5.  to give off steam, smoke, etc.
6.  to be wet with sweat, blood, etc.
verb (used with object)
7.  to give off; emit; exude.
8.  to expose to or treat with smoke.

"Nom nom nom" - Brady Hoke

gwalther's picture

And i just want to remind everyone- Fuck Michig@n. Go Buckeyes.

Class of 2008

BigBuck623's picture

Also: Someone who has the original audio track to a postgame Buckeye Swag.. please make that into a ringtone. I'd pay good money for that.

741's picture

The first four paragraphs of this column may be the most glorious prose to have ever graced these pages. Shine on young man.

awwwwwwop's picture

I look forward to this article more than any other on the site. 

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

Menexenus's picture

Denard Robinson's vapid, Opie-esque smile just bugs the living hell out of me.

Me too.  His face and Desmond Howard's look exactly the same to me.  I just want to punch them both whenever I see them.

My only consolation is the small joy that I take in the idea that Michigan forced their best actual QB to play wide receiver for most of the season while they had their best running back play quarterback and their best stuffed cannoli pretend to be a football coach. It's hilarious and depressing and holy crap we better beat these idiots next week.

QFT.  Go Bucks!  Beat TTUN!

Real fans stay for Carmen.

WC Buckeye's picture

I want John Simon to give Detard that stupid spoon motion bullshit a few times after picking him out of the Robinson-shaped crater he's just created. Then, I want the WWL to find Desmond Howard after the game to get his thoughts; you KNOW he's going to be talking all kinds of his smack to the GD crowd.

The only thing that's new in the world is the history that we have forgotten.

osubuckeye4life's picture

Welcome back Johnny!
Sarah did a good job while you were gone.
Yes, for all that is holy let us beat TSUN like a drum on Saturday!

dtanmango's picture

"My only consolation is the small joy that I take in the idea that Michigan forced their best actual QB to play wide receiver for most of the season while they had their best running back play quarterback and their best stuffed cannoli pretend to be a football coach."
perfect.
let's go get'em

-dtan

BuckeyeFanInBoulder's picture

So we've had Saved By the Bell, Full House, Vanilla Ice, Mom Jeans, etc. this season.  I'm going out on a limb and predicting a nod to Camp Anawanna coming soon.