Congratulations to the Commonwealth of Kentucky

By DJ Byrnes on March 30, 2012 at 3:09p
47 Comments
Boyd Crowder, always a step ahead of the game.

As the southern border-state to the greatest state in the Union, Kentucky gets a bad rap. "Besides producing bourbon, Cassius Clay and the criminally complex mind of Boyd Crowder," the haters will mockingly cluck, "what does Kentucky bring to the table? 10% of their population can't read. It ranks 47th out of 50 in people with Bachelor's degrees. It is a sieve on the federal government."

And to that I say, "Touché." However, this ignores Kentucky's primary export: basketball. After Ohio achieved history by sending four institutions to the Sweet Sixteen, Kentucky has one-upped its northern neighbor by making up half of the Final Four. (Some might even argue Cincinnati and Xavier should be included in Kentucky's column. Those people would hear no qualm from me.)

Sure, it's not like the state of Kentucky is producing these players, as Kentucky coach John Calipari recently said himself. And even though Kentucky hasn't won anything of significance this millennium, they still won a bunch of titles back in the day, so they're super-super important to the overall structure of college basketball.

In the other corner, it has been 25 years since Louisville were the last team standing. Now they're led by a serial adulterer who used to coach at -- GET THIS -- Kentucky!!! Gee willickers, aren't sports neat!?!?

You know what's quirky about this rivalry? These "people" actually loathe each other! Take this quaint anecdote from this week: an University of Kentucky fan and a Louisville fan got into a fight... at a dialysis center! Who says Kentucky is merely a co-opt of loosely affiliated tribes of hill-people? Would there be something like a DIALYSIS CENTER in Kentucky if Kentucky were the 43rd best state in health care?

A lot of people are quick to hate on John Calipari, the latest being NCAA President Mark Emmert saying one-and-done players "make a mockery" of the term "student-athletes".

That's hilarious coming from a guy who wears make-up and jetsets around the country in $3,000 suits on the backs of the same players he wants to keep around for three years. When I look around the Final Four, I don't see too many players who will "be going pro in something other than sports." No wonder Mark Emmert wants to keep the elite athletes around for two extra years. Who wouldn't want that guaranteed, free labor-pool for their TAX FREE billion dollar scheme? (You don't need the letters "pHD" next to your name like Emmert to connect the dots and dollar signs on that scheme.)

No, John Calipari gets it. While Jim Boheim cripples his kids with simplistic offenses and draconian gimmicks like zone defenses, Calipari coaches his kids and prepares them for their future. If only half of our nation's educators were as good as John Calipari is at his. I also have to tip my cap to him, because Calipari will never be a suitable taste for handkerchief-waiving media members who secretly despise the athletes they cover for a living. He also knows the NCAA won't be around much longer, which is probably why Emmert is trying to wring as much money as he can out of the players Calipari brings to Kentucky. That cashcow's time wanes in Emmert's lily prairie. 

A Zeno-like paradox.

John Calipari is so good, he gets black players to come play in Adolph Rupp Arena. What was it ol 'Adolph told Tim Bassett, a black 6-8 forward from Georgia after Kentucky took an L in 1972?

"He said I didn’t belong in the Southeast Conference," and Bassett said, ‘We’ll get you back when you come to Lexington."

I'm sure the effigy Tim Bassett found of himself in Kentucky's gym when he returned later that season was all just a big misunderstanding. Kentucky fans have put together thesises in defense of Rupp. Allow me to offer these two sentences to our southern neighbors instead: "Adolph Rupp wouldn't sign black players until it became painfully evident he couldn't win without them. May his soul unrest in Hell for eternity."

So yeah, Kentucky, man! On top of basically fetishizing amateur basketball to the point their state's entire sense of self-worth is swaddled in it, they have super cheap prices on cigarettes. Life is so prosperous in Kentucky, I guess they have to give their government sponsored killing sticks away at blow-out prices! 

I'm sure, tomorrow, the Commonwealth of Kentucky will receive very little attention from the national media. Whatever hit-pieces do arise, remember: it's not like any key piece in this game is from Kentucky anyway.

47 Comments

Comments

Buckeye in Illini country's picture

Don't ever compare Cincinnati to the state of Kentucky. 

Columbus to Pasadena: 35 hours.  We're on a road trip through the desert looking for strippers and cocaine... and Rose Bowl wins!

DJ Byrnes's picture

Why? It's the crown jewel Kentucky bigwigs have pined over since before the War of Southern Stupidity.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

faux_maestro's picture

That, and anyone who has spent any time in Cincinnati and any other part of OHio understand that Cincinnati is really unlike the rest of the state. Long live Cintuckey.

Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

TheHumbleBuckeye's picture

Cincinnati is just Cincinnati. It's not Kentucky, Ohio, or Indiana - though it has more in common with Kentucky and Indiana than it has in common with Ohio.

Cincinnati is a man and his family who live in a comfy 1900 sq ft home. They have five children. Cincinnati once dreamed big, but he instead married the girl down the street after getting her pregnant. That's because he's proud. He believes in taking responsibility. To the left of his house lives a young entrepreneur named Columbus, who's a few years younger, but unlike Cincinnati, Columbus pursued his ambitions. He swore off any relationship that might get in the way of his work while he was in his 20s. Cincinnati looks at Columbus' 4000 sq ft bachelor pad and his three shiny luxury cars and constantly says to himself "That would have been me if it weren't for (insert excuse)". Though Cincinnati will constantly tell others he's content with his life, he lives a life of quiet desperation, and to make himself feel better, he gossips about Columbus with his wife and harbors a certain level of anitpathy arising from jealousy, because looking at himself in the mirror and realizing why he didn't have the same sort of success as his neighbor would be too painful. And finally, on the right side of Cincinnati's house is a double-wide. That's where his neighbor Kentucky lives. Kentucky is a drunk who doesn't give a damn that he lives in a double-wide. He likes the simplicity of his life. Since Cincinnati lives vicariously through his children's athletic success, he can't stand Kentucky, since Kentucky's kids are better athletes. But Cincinnati will cheer for Kentucky's kids and grandkids when they play Columbus' kids in sports, because in the end, Columbus is who Cincinnati wanted to be, not Kentucky.

ScottS's picture

this is really dumb

William's picture

I thought it was humorous, but to each their own.

adurb44's picture

Very fitting. We had this discussion at work with a lady who lives in Cincinnati and there is no better way of describing the enigma that is Cincinnati.

Buckman's picture

Really?  So just because people from Cincinnati, including myself, do no act like people from the rest of the state we get labeled as Kentucky. 

It's about as dumb as saying I'm not related to my brother because we don't act alike. 

Cincinnati is vastly different from all of it surrounding neighbors.  And it's also a better place to live than in most places in the state.  Cincinnati is also ranked as one of the most literate cities in the coountry.  So we really aren't like Kentucky.

Le'ts not forget our fearless leader Urban Meyer decided to spend his collegiate career at UC, and coached at Cincy St. X.  So he obviously didn't think it was as bad as some of you make it out to be.

And come on down to Cincinnati on a Friday night to watch a football or basketball game and see how enthusiastic Cincinnati people are compared to the rest of Ohio.

I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.

JACK TATUM

faux_maestro's picture

I think you just made my point with the 

And come on down to Cincinnati on a Friday night to watch a football or basketball game and see how enthusiastic Cincinnati people are compared to the rest of Ohio.

comment.

Although I think there are many other places in Ohio with passion for High School football. Listen, maybe I'm wrong when I compare Cincinnati with Kentucky, it just seems that way to this city slicker from Columbus.

Inní mér syngur vitleysingur

Buckman's picture

I said come on down to try to put some humor in it.

I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.

JACK TATUM

Breakawayspeed's picture

And the answer to the question that everybody who likes to bash Kentucky asks.  The tooth fairy.  (Who is the richest person in Kentucky?)

awwwwwwop's picture

brilliant. worst state to drive through ever*

*In between Ohio and Tennessee division

"Who cares? Go Bucks." - Aaron Untch

Ramzy Nasrallah's picture

Bourbon*

 

 

 

* the reason I'll never speak ill of the Commonwealth

Maestro's picture

you weren't speaking ill in the above article........man I hope I don't ever get on your bad side.

vacuuming sucks

Menexenus's picture

<Psst...  DJ wrote the article.>

Real fans stay for Carmen.

cbusbuckeye's picture

He also didnt write the above article, just saying.

Maestro's picture

That's funny.  I clicked on the article from Ramzy's twitter feed and just assumed he wrote it.  You know what they say about assuming.  My apologies to DJ and Ramzy for the mistake.

vacuuming sucks

OSU BUCkS's picture

I live in Northern Kentucky and this is true for some parts of the state however when I drive up to Columbus once you past Cincinnati it is the same, if not worse thank Kentucky. Where I live it is considered to be part of the suburbs of Cincinnati and it is the exact same here as the suburbs north of Cincinnati.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Another EQ Reference? Honrun!

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

DJ Byrnes's picture

Unrest was the grindspot from like 16-22. 

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

BrewstersMillions's picture

I never got tired of training fools in Black Burrow. So much butt hurt when you didn't yell "TRAIN".

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

DJ Byrnes's picture

One of my first characters was a barbarian shaman named "Xacutioner". (Yes, I was as witty and clever in the seventh grade as I am now.) Shamans "were just like warriors, but with spells" I told my friend at the time who I eventually got into the game.

As a result, I always used to roll to BlackBurrow. One time, I brought a gnome warrior -- full bronze, bladed thulian claws, axe of iron black, etc... and I died hella deep in BB. Didn't have a soulbind and ended up back in Freeport. I just deleted the character, and this was back when full bronze was going for 1pp/AC, hahahaha.

I'm now going to go shower and re-examine my life. "Bladed Thulian Claws" came back to me WAY too easily.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

BrewstersMillions's picture

Everything you said made perfect sense to me. Each and every line greeted me with a trip down memory lane.

 

Good stuff.

4-6 seconds from point A to point B and when you get to point B, be pissed off

timdogdad's picture

bourbon and ashley judd 

cronimi's picture

Note: Ashley doesn't age as well as bourbon.

cronimi's picture

I wouldn't lump Xavier into the Kentucky grouping. UC, though - definitely.

TheBadOwl's picture

YEAH, JUSTIFIED!!!

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half mast I thought, "Alright, another bureaucrat ate it." but then I saw it was Li'l Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect.

The Vest-er's picture

DJ spot on and even though I was reading this silently in the car, I started a slow clap. My wife thought I was insane, but the 2 and 4 year old thought is was awesome. Not sure if that's the demographic you're going for but you may have some future 11w readers

Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.

Arizona_Buckeye's picture

They do throw one HELLUVA party called the Kentucky Derby!!! MAN I think I murdered a half a billion brain cells that weekend!!!

The best thing about Pastafarianism? It is not only acceptable, but advisable, to be heavily sauced

VestedInterest's picture

Can't waste a lot of time on future NBA coach Cal, Kentucky job isn't as attractive when you consider the unrealistic expectations.

DJ Byrnes's picture

It will def. be interesting watch Kentucky melt-down if they were to lose to Louisville or to whomever comes out of OSU/Kansas banger.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

btalbert25's picture

Doesn't Ohio State football have equally unrealistic expectations.  More than just a few fans thought Tressel needed to go. 

btalbert25's picture

Before he broke NCAA rules and got caught. 

Menexenus's picture

Those folks were idiots.  Before and after.

Real fans stay for Carmen.

btalbert25's picture

Just stating that it wasn't a small section of the fan base.  There are fans, people who comment on here, who say that every year they think Ohio State should be in the championship hunt.  Expectations are huge at any program the profile of Ohio State in football or Kentucky in basketball.  

VestedInterest's picture

I may be off base but my view is that the percentage of unrealistic expectations of Kentucky fans in basketball far exceeds that of most fan bases in any other sport.

Ohio Guy in Jersey's picture

DJ - It's PhD not pHD. I don't have the degree, but if we're going to rag on Ohio's embarrassing cousin to the south we should have our ducks in a row.

DJ Byrnes's picture

*mj shrug*

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Menexenus's picture

While we're on the subject...

Who says Kentucky is merely a co-opt of loosely affiliated tribes of hill-people?

"Co-opt" is a verb.  I believe you were looking for the noun "co-op."

I know no one likes a nitpicker, but I really can't help it.  It's a compulsion...  Think of it as constructive criticism: I'm just trying to make your pointless seething hatred even more fun to read!  (I use the descriptor "pointless seething hatred" in the best possible way, I assure you.)

Real fans stay for Carmen.

DJ Byrnes's picture

I went with co-opt cuz in my mind it sounds more official to me. Co-op is a video game form.

You're def right tho.

Californian by birth, Marionaire by the Grace of President Warren G. Harding.

Oakland Buckeye's picture

"That's hilarious coming from a guy who wears make-up and jetsets around the country in $3,000 suits on the backs of the same players he wants to keep around for three years".

DJ - I think most missed the best point of this story. you absolutely crushed this on Emmert & his hypocirsy regarding these athletes. I heard today that Tom Hanks was a "one and done", I wouldn't say he has made a mockery of institutions because he left school to pursue his dream. HOME RUN!

BLeezy17's picture

Cincinnati gaves us Skyline Chili. Cincinnati is dead to me.

buckeyedude's picture

I'm from Toledo, and I friggin love Cincinnati Style Chili. I could eat that shit several times a week.

I read somewhere a while back that Kentucky is one of the top producers of marijuana in the country, as moonshiners switched to a more profitable staple.  

 

 

Buckman's picture

Have you ever had Larosa's pizza?

I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault.

JACK TATUM

buckeyedude's picture

No Larosa's. We used to have Skyline Chili in Toledo. Now I can only get the canned type and make my own 4-way. Just love that stuff. They pulled out of the Toledo market back in the 90's.

 

 

Walt Keys's picture

...and with that, i'm headed across the river to stock up on cheap boozes for the evening.

osubuckeye4life's picture

Boyd Crowder is definitely on target to be one of the best characters in TV history (if he hasn't already became one).

I loved the lashing you made towards Emmeret and the NCAA. Some of the biggest hypocrits I've ever seen.

As far as Cincy vs other areas of Ohio on Friday night sports....

All across Ohio Friday night high school sports (especially football) are king. In fact, Odessa Texas's Permian Tigers were not HG Bissinger's first choice of high schools to profile in "Friday Night Lights" , Massillon Washington's Tigers were. The book was to be about the tigers 1991 season, coached by Lee Owens. That year Massillon Washington made it to the semi finals , but lost to Cleveland St. Ignatius by one point. Massillon Washington's school board would not grant him full access to the student athletes and the program , so he had to go with his SECOND choice which was Permian . The movie Friday Night Lights wasn't acurate either. Permian didn't even play in the state championship that year.