Monday Skull Session

By D.J. Byrnes on July 4, 2011 at 6:00 am
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HACKSAW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Jim Duggan: The Apotheosis of Patriotism! U-S-A!

11W Industries is on the move again. Please welcome our newest writer, DJ, to the fold. He brings an analytical mind, sharp sense of humor and promises to help us lock down the ever elusive Marion, OH market with his superb prose.

How was everybody’s Fourth of July weekend? Did you guys (of legal age, obvii) fulfill your patriotic duty in helping America consume its annual 1.6 billion beers during Fourth of July weekend?  I think I drank a cool 300,000 beers this weekend, so I’m probably much more patriotic than any of you sleuths around here. (I'm just kidding--I only drink FourLoko and Lady Bligh, like a true Marionaire).

Speaking of the 4th of July, did you know that it isn’t America’s date of its independence? We actually declared our independence from the Queen on July 2nd, 1776—but whatever, “The Second of July” doesn’t roll off the tongue like “The Fourth of July”, so I will continue to act like I don’t know the truth.

Speaking of the truth, Americans seem to be struggling with that more than ever. Do you know who America declared its independence from? Well, if you do, pat yourself on the back because 26% of Americans can't answer that question! 26%! I guess West Virginia makes up more of the US' population than we've been led to believe.

Enough with America, though. Here at Eleven Warriors, we have much more important things which need discussing, such as The Ohio State University and its teams of athletic individuals. Now, without further ado…

Terrelle Pryor: GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. Apparently the Pinkertons—I mean, “NCAA Investigators”—returned to Columbus last week. They’re looking into claims on whether master-class criminal Terrelle Pryor received free rounds of golf during his 3 year crime spree in the greater Columbus area. I mean, really, is this where we're at now? *sigh*

... Terrelle Pryor appeared on Jon Gruden’s “QB Camp” series Thursday night. I could almost smell Drew Rosenhaus’ cologne through my TV. If Rosenhaus' goal was to feature his troubled client in bizarre but somewhat captivating TV, then hats off, because the man accomplished his goals.

In it, Pryor said he couldn’t “blame” anybody who thought he’d be an awesome NFL receiver. How do you stop Terrelle Pryor? Well, Terrelle Pryor "didn't know because [he] keeps getting better." When asked about his crimes while at Ohio State, Pryor gave some ambiguous answers and then made it sound as if he rolled around Columbus, giving money to homeless people and offering rides to people. You’re also never going to believe this... but Chuck Gruden praised our old friend Terrelle.

... Pryor has also retained the services of quarterback coach Ken Anderson. If you're unaware of Ken Anderson, he's the guy who gave the world three weeks of Jeff "Shake N" Blake in the 90's. So continue to doubt Pryor at your own risk.

Edward Rife, owner of "Fine Line Tattoos" now owes the state of Ohio $50,000. If there is one thing America is good at... it's putting drug dealers behind bars. Ed Rife, the target of the original Federal investigation which lead to the downfall of Jim Tressel, finally had his day in court--and it was not pretty. Rife pleaded guilty on Thursday to one count of conspiracy to possess with intent to distribute more than 100 kilograms of marijuana and one count of money laundering. He is now $50,000 lighter in the pocket and will be sentenced at a later date. I must wonder, when he lays his head down in his prison cell, was buying the company of athletic 20 year-olds really worth going to prison over? I doubt he would tell me that it was.

Had Jim Tressel killed a man, he may still have a job. This is the beauty of the NCAA system. An Orlando jury awarded the family of deceased running back Ereck Plancher 10 million dollars in their wrongful suit they brought against the University of Central Florida.

There are now "questions" surrounding George O'Leary's future. What questions are those? In what font should type they should type the letter they fire him in? (I prefer "Times New Roman" myself). Granted, UCF is not Ohio State, but where are the hordes of pious writers demanding the resignation of George O'Leary? Let me know if you see them.

Jim Tressel's whipping post has sympathy? Remember Lloyd Carr? I'm sure we all do. Jim Tressel turned the tables on him quite quickly, and I thought he had ridden off into the sunset to never be heard of again. Apparently, this is not the case. While Carr claims to "feel for Jim Tressel", he also says "rules are rules." 

A link to restore your faith in humanity! In 2011, people will spend nearly one billion dollars on fictional items for "FarmVille". Remember this the next time the word "recession" is thrown around so wrecklessly.

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