Jim Tressel, FBI Operative

By Joe Beale on April 27, 2011 at 1:00p
4 Comments
Old Glory looks lovely when set against old 60's wood paneling.A Quinn Martin production?  Hmmm... 

[The following is a fragment of a document recently obtained by intrepid 11W reporters.  The content has just been declassified by federal authorities. Compliments to reporters at a local paper for the tip.]

File #66-43374-W

James Patrick Tressel

ESPIONAGE

The subject in question is ostensibly a coach of a college football team, but behind the scenes he has been working with the bureau for some time. Agent S. had employed him to collect information on shady dealings at a certain rival university up North, but the subject of that investigation has now moved on to another location and his dealings are no longer subject to federal scrutiny. 

Coach T. has not been very much help to our agents, due to his peculiar manner of providing information. When asked very direct questions, he is in the habit of talking around the subject, repeating certain uninformative phrases, and ultimately contributing very few cogent facts to the current body of information. Follow-up questions elicit similar responses, along with certain modifiers such as "improvement" and "and so forth". However, we believe there is some valuable intel contained in some of his diary entries, although it seems to be written in code. What follows is a sampling of some recent journals during recruiting trips.

"...Southern swing...Florida.

Going to the Sunshine State to check out Diggs again; the guy is a player. Maybe while I'm down here I can create some rumors about me being the next coach at UF, you know, if Muschamp decides to resign. After all, isn't there always a rumor about the coach getting forced out every time there's an embarrassing off-the-field incident? Wait...this is a Southern school...never mind. In any case, there's a track record here.  You know, the fact that three of the SEC's most successful coaches are from the midwest? I mean, if Meyer, Miles, and Saban can bring their carpetbags down here and instantly have success, the other league schools should be knocking my door down. Back to recruiting, there's this guy..."

"...Chicago.

They say Diamond might be a silent verbal to Hoke, so I need to get some work done here. The city is nice, lot's of great pizza here, no idea why they can't stay in business, but that deep-dish sure hits the spot, and so forth. I ran into some traffic on St. Patrick's day, because the parade was disrupted by some gung-ho federal marshall trying to search every doghouse, hen house, and outhouse in the area looking for some doctor who murdered his wife. I met my FBI contact here as well, and we had lunch. He keeps wanting to know about Rodriguez, but I just don't think there's any connection between Josh Groban and terrorism. Still, I told him about the senior video we ran prior to the game, and he said he would study it; no idea what they're looking for there..."

"...Georgia, to see Jaquay Williams.

It sure is hot down here, even in March. Still hearing rumors about Terrelle leaving in some kind of supplemental draft. Are they kidding? It might have worked out for Bernie Kosar but for every Bernie there's a Steve Walsh (the Miami QB, not the guy from Kansas). Besides that, I think Terrelle still wants to win a National Championship, although it might be tough going when your first game of the season is game 6 at Nebraska. After 5 games with Joe at QB, any chance at an MNC might be gone already. Not that I'm throwing in the towel, but since I'll be watching from home..."

The code is difficult to break, but we think we have made some sense of it and have figured out a key for deciphering the rest of it. Still, the latest entry concerns us quite a bit. Even though the subject of his surveillance has moved on, he is still a valuable source of rumors and innuendo. However, this section of Monday's diary leaves off quite abruptly, and there's been no sign of Coach T. since then. Observe:

"...I've been thinking about how nice it would be to retire, just give it up and spend my days playing golf and sipping iced tea. Of course, with all the secret info that I have, I'm not sure they'll actually let me go. Wait...is that gas coming through the keyhole? I think...."(end of excerpt)

If you have any information about the whereabouts of Coach T., please contact our office at FBI HQ. 

 

4 Comments

Comments

The_Lurker's picture

You get eleventy million points for the Kansas reference. Carry on!

addman1405's picture

All of you guys seriously make my sides hurt! i agree with the lurker, kansas reference was GOLD. Hi-larious

GoBucks713's picture

oh Samuel Gerard, you had me at " our fugitive has been on the run for 90 minutes"

-The Aristocrats!