Mankind's last refuge.Amongst these truths too real for laypeople's ears: first and foremost, obviously we are not alone. Area 51 was and is a harbor of technologies capable of ending our world in a mere matter of minutes. Bigfoots roam the plains of far north Texas and the mythological Yeti is also all too real. And that's saying nothing of the mind control weapons our government are testing on unsuspecting citizens nationwide without us so much as even being suspicious.
Along these lines, there exist many painstakingly challenging Ohio State football truths for the forthcoming 2010 season that demand our attention. These secrets simply cannot be allowed to go unheard any longer. It's imperative that these do not fall on deaf ears (or blind eyes in this case) or else it may already be too late.
Terrelle Pryor Is Secretly A Real Quarterback (And Will Resemble One In '10)
Despite the best efforts of the rumor mongering of the Maizelomofacists from that state up north, Terrelle Pryor is not a mis-programmed half-man half-machine incapable of looking to pass before running or going through his reads properly in order to put up monster numbers next year. While it is true wealthy boosters (in conjunction with top level Langley scientists) built Pryor some 20 years ago for the very purpose of winning Heisman's and National Championship trophies, they also programmed Pryor with the operative to execute all due diligence necessary to return to the 60% completion percentage 145+ QB rating he showed playing within himself his first season on campus. Be on the look for Pryor's emergence before it's too late for you and yours.
Never Before PhotographedA Wild John Simon Has Been Captured, Taught To Live Like Man, and Embarrass Human Offensive Lineman
While known mostly for frightening campers and Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials, Coach Tressel and his staff have yet again demonstrated their capacity to do the unthinkable by taming and molding a feral John Simon. Simon, approximated by those who've most closely studied the beast, set the DT's age around 19, likely putting him still a year or two from full adulthood (and the full extent of his powers). Unfortunately for those offensive lineman who will have the displeasure of having to attempt to slow down his relentless drive to literally eat the football, wild Simon's are notorious for their seemingly super human feats of strength when agitated. Even at a tender age such as this particular specimen, heads will roll if anyone dares to raise his ire.ESPN's Bruce Feldman has it on good authority ($) that based on further anecdotal evidence, Simon simply isn't human:
The pace he sets in the weight room is insane, we're told; what takes most players two hours to do, he'll do in 30 minutes. He can already do 40 reps at 225 and has run an electronic 4.8 in the 40. "He's the only D-lineman we have with a six-pack," reports a staffer.The Buckeyes are taking some risk by putting such a powerful being on the same field as these ordinary college football players, but it's difficult to debate that it isn't a risk worth taking.
The last 2 teams ranked #1 in Scout's Recruiting Rankings Have Gone On To Win National Championships
Anyone who studies the ethereal and paranormal knows that trends are an important part of predicting what lies ahead (as is the case in the forthcoming extra terrestrial apocalypse). In 2007, Florida took Scout's top billing before going on to defeat Oklahoma in Miami. In 2008, Alabama was awarded top honors before out dueling Texas in Pasadena. In 2009, Ohio State finished on top. Sure naysayers and skeptics would be quick to point out this is but a trend of two and not statistically significant. But isn't that exactly what they want you to think?Returning easily the most complete team since the 2006 national runner-up team and a defensive line surely on par with the bunch that made Ken Dorsey intimate with the Tempe turf, this incarnation of Ohio State has all the makings of something earth shattering and prolific. The truth, as always, will reveal itself in due time.
What other sub rosa facts about the 2010 season will turn out to be truly stranger than fiction?
Comments
not sure if anyone saw the tweet of the year
http://www.thebuckeyebattlecry...
that couldnt be anymore perfect
Oh, yeah, Luke; this all ties back to Roswell. They are out there!!!
A tip o' the hat to your investigative reporting, well done.
Art Bell is a nut.... that caller was a plant and Art cut off the feed himself....
TP will resemble Troy Smith of 2005 and 2006 when the season begins..... only this time he will be Bigger, Stronger, faster!!!!!!!!
Thanks. It wasn't easy risking my family's lives in getting the truth out there, but it had to be done.
And the Buckeye faithful will burn all In-N-Out Burger shacks in the Tempe area to the ground on 11/28.
I spit out my coffee
I would take John Simon in a cagematch, handicap match versus Paul Bunyan and Bill Brasky.
HAHAHAHA, that's good shit.
How soon until he takes down Brock, you think?
Why would you do such a thing????
For his own good.
interesting that a strong soph class leads to winning the NC.
we should be much better next year if nobody leaves early...most of the starting defense now was not nearly as highly recruited as the younger guys, and it gives most of the offense an extra year of practice together
Other facts about the 2010 season that will be stranger than fiction?
1. During the Miami FL game, the Boren brothers will team up, sandwich style, to brutally squash Hurricane backer Sean Spence (6'0'', 210 lbs). The compression will be so violent that Spence will be compressed into a big slice of prosciutto. I don't mean metaphorically, either - I mean that Spence will literally become lunchmeat. In fact, Vlade Janakievski will standing by, on the sidelines, holding a giant spatula, a loaf of rye bread, and a jar of mustard, with plans to feed Brent Musburger after the game.
2. Orhian Johnson, who is 6'2" but looks like he has an even longer wingspan (sort of a shorter version of Dallas Lauderdale) will snag a half dozen INTs in 2010, earning him the nickname Plastic Man.
Re: POLL
JT will run up the score against Purdue in typical Evil Jim revenge game fashion. northwestern beat up in 04 and he's consistently dropped 40+ on them ever since. Danny Hope won't know what hit him.
With regards to the recruiting rankings point...first of all, Meyer did not go undefeated - meaning he always has to wait it out for other teams to lose...that's not dependent on any one recruiting class. Secondly, Saban's team was powerful, but was led all season by one of the most prominent veteran defenses we've seen in college football - only 2 are returning starters this year. The offense was good, and peaked at the right time, and Colt McCoy got hurt.
In either case, Ohio State's teams need to buckle down and get more disciplined. When Pryor takes off for the endzone on a broken play, we can't have Posey or an o-lineman get flagged for a hold (many times!). When it's 3rd and 1 from the 1, Herron or Pryor need to walk in untouched every time (USC). If it's 4th and 1, it needs to be a 5 yard gain, not a 1-yard loss (Navy). And we cannot win a national title if Pryor isn't like what he is in the Rose Bowl all season. He needs to be Tebow-dominant.
Mistakes happen and drives stall, I understand that, but to win a national title, the team needs to be scary good, clutch, and live up to the intimidation. Can't have conservative days against teams like USC. They need to take a close game at home, and blow it open like the 2002 team did against Washington St behind a great performance. Kids need to own it, step up, and play "I'm better than you" football.
"i'm better than you football" YES!
question: how will Pryor be "tebow dominant" without being able to write on his eye black anymore?
Pryor shouldn't worry. In a few years we'll be on his replacement's back
BRAXTON MILLER'S A HACK.
I envision Seantrel Henderson starting against the Buckeyes this fall. I also envision our nasties up front taking him to school.
?
In-N-Out Burgers...god, I love 'em
Animal style double double is the way to go.
Ehhh...what?
Just doing what the man said, albeit early.
preemptive sky is falling fan reaction? might as well get it out of the way early, right?
Sarcasm, bro. Hence the all-caps.
That's what i took it as. Damn this text/type and hard to interperetnednes.
"While known mostly for frightening campers and Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials, Coach Tressel and his staff have yet again demonstrated their capacity to do the unthinkable by taming and molding a feral John Simon."
-AWESOME LUKE, just awesome!
Can anyone tell me the proper way to pronounce "Orhian"? Is it sort of like "Orion" or does it rhyme with "DeLorean"?
Chuck Norris and Jack Bauer both wear John Simon pajamas.
orr-RYE-ann
That pic of Simon is just terrifying. God I am glad he is on our side.
I always pronounce it like DeLorean.
I read this before the original (because I'm left-handed, that's why) and I thought it was addressed to the actual football, as in "I'm better than you, football!" It's fine with me if that's Pryor's new motto.
he's better than the football too
I need a t-shirt like TP's. Where can I get one? The "Life Is Good" -
True, the power of eye-black writing is entirely understated.
He still couldn't take Ditka though. Sorry.
I photoshopped my face onto Simons body and put it on the fridge so that when I go to eat cold pizza for breakfast, I just say "damn, I still got it." Then I sit on the couch and watch other people exercise.
The act of producing "Knuckle Children" as you watch said other people excersise, could and is considered exercise in itself, depending on what company you keep....
I wish the kid the best, but I also wish that Cam and Johnny Simon show him why he should have been a Buckeye.
A true professional; putting journalistic integrity ahead of personal safety & welfare.
"interesting that a strong soph class leads to winning the NC."
This plot line sounds familiar.
The Tresselian programming is almost complete... TP 3.0 is almost ready to be unleashed upon the world.
The dimensions of epic have just been expanded!
And.... Seantrel Henderson is blocking Ryan Kerrigan, amirite?
nah, he's off to ACC country.
But this is fantasy land, right? I don't think a JT team has put up 30 on the Boilers since the Holy Buckeye game.
The Revenge Game is coming. That's my honest belief.
Fair enough. I think Danny Hope is a pretty good coach, personally. I think this'll be a sneaky tough game, right after the road trip to Madison.
I agree, he's a good coach, and has a great stache. I don;t think the team comes in sleeping on Purdue and they def remember the game last year.
Anyone is interested, were having a Live Blog for the LBJ Decision. Anyone is welcome. http://bit.ly/aSJLn3
LBJ = Fail
Funny shit right there, PAINTERLAD. It's sounds like we're on the same regimen.
CLEVE = FAIL.
Lebron James = $
$ in Miami < $ in Cleveland
tite=more money. Maybe not salary wise, but supposedly that's why he's not as big as Kobe in China. Regardless of how much Bosch and Wade are responsible for winning titles in Miami, Lebron will get the credit.
popularity in china is a touchy subject here
I hope Wade gets hurt, and the other 9 scrubs that they have on that roster fail to step up.
I just want to say to all you Cleveland fans out there that this absolutely bites. I'm from Cincy, and I don't wish this kind of heartache on anyone...probably because it's unprecedented and doesn't happen anywhere else in the country. Just an epic middle finger to the city and state. You could call me a fairweather Cavs fan just because of LeBron, but that's enough to make me feel scorned.
Let's hope the Buckeyes make us proud this year...be it a Rose Bowl, a win over an SEC team, or a national title - lots of outs to end on a good note.
I think you read a bit too much in my post.
I hope someone throws a bottle of Great Lakes Brewing Company "Burning River" at his head when he visits Cleveland and does his little pixie dust act.
I understand business is business, but he had to understand what he just did to a million or so people from the northeast section of his home state.
May he be blessed with an extremely long and championship-less career.
2002 - MNC game at Fiesta Bowl
2006 - MNC game at Fiesta Bowl
2010 - MNC game at Fiesta Bowl
I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'
Awesome that this comes from Manila, I'll be there on Sept. 2nd and am looking for a place to watch the game... any ideas???