A Rose by Any Other Name...

By Luke on August 5, 2009 at 2:00p
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11 square feet, gorgeous wood floors. Rob Rose's Posh New South Campus Digs

As news trickled out earlier this week that warp speedster Ray Small and former Army All-American meast-in-progress Rob Rose were not with the team due to academic issues, many theories began to abound as to what possibly could cause the duo to fall by the wayside, particularly with the vast surplus of resources often made available to student athletes at major universities.

We all know this isn’t Ray’s first grammar rodeo, so to speak, but Rob Rose? Et tu Rosé? After we just got through giving (admittedly false) hope to all the poor souls who actually purchased Brian Hartline (<3 u B-<3) schwag?

Our amateur sleuthing has turned up the real origins of Rob Rose’s recent academic improprieties.

Rob Rose & Legal Colleagues. To be 64 again!

Many know about his multiple sack performance against some of the nation’s best young talent, but what managed to slip under even the radar of even the most ardent Buckeye followers was Rose’s 3 consecutive terms in the Nevada Supreme Court.

While most are aware that “What Happens in Vegas...” is long established jurisprudence going back to the famed Stephon Marbury v. Holly Madison, the rest of the state operates under far more traditional rules of law (though curiously enough these guys also serve on the state’s highest legal body). Rob Rose’s heraled speed off the edge through security clearence at CMH made appearances at both Ohio State practices as well as important legal deliberations possible, but left little other time for undergraduate course work.

Jake Long Money? Try R-Rose $$$

In addition to a longstanding legal career, the honorable Judge Rose found time to start one of the most obnoxious, shameless forms of self promotion out there (Digg! this article!!#) today. Under the clever pseudonym "Kevin", Rob created what at times has been one of the more traffic generating sites on the internet.

Despite lacking the weight (or appeal) of the Twitters, Facebooks, and Craiglists of Web 2.0, Rob’s dedication to seeing stories about topless robots and the top 10 movies that want to get drunk with you get their 15 minutes netted him a handsome, cool $60 million dollars, making the necessities of a college diploma or NFL riches simply luxuries . Besides, what good could higher learning possibly do for a man who’s entire education came from dozens of non-sequitur articles recommended by hundreds of his closest friends?

Rob Rose Doesn't Get Paid, Unless You Get Paid

Finally, since setting himself up for life (and some of the coolest forms of transportation available to the general public 15 years from now) and at long last stepping down from his elected judiciary position, Rose has settled into a quiet life of patent prosecution, intellectual property and antitrust litigation. A lengthy scholastic resume that would make George O'Leary blush made it easier yet for Rose to continue to fool himself into justifying ignoring his academic obligations back in Columbus.

While we certainly wish #9 the best in his future endeavors, be it in under the watchful eye of a jury or the cheers of a 105,000 strong, we certainly also hope none of those intimidating, fancy legal specialties he professes to practice include, oh I don’t know, looking into photoshops of images of said once-and-future defensive lineman easily accessible by the general public or, hmm, say, legal profile screen shots of an actual attorney’s resume being used for satirical purposes by a mildly successful, highly juvenile sports weblog (who’s cumulative assets total zero, mind you!).

Thankfully, Political Science 609 (a class ironically Rose missed more often than we did) taught us all the ways in which public figures could be subject to satire, and we know Mr. Rose’s stout legal background would justify certain behavior as such. Though should Rose decide retribution were in order for say, blowing his now not-so-secret secret identities, any further complaints can be taken up with 11W legal.