Etienne Sabino is Conspiring
Our sweet, sweet empire 5th world operation grows yet again. We’re pleased to welcome Luke to the stable and hoping some of his “don’t mess” ethos and wit rubs off on the rest of us. A die-hard Buckeye fan, he’s currently living the good life in Texas but promises his love of Longhorn baseball will not impact his duties here at 11W.
While taking a break from the monotony of post-work work, a gripping 4 hour baseball game where by which all 3 of the game’s runs were plated by the end of the first inning, and gorging on all the $50 grilled cheeses the good life makes a reality, I heard the all too familiar chime indicating new mail had yet again arrived. What could possibly be making it into my inbox at 10:20 on a Tuesday night? As I wished on my lucky stars for an additional occupational critical assignment due in 7 hours, or maybe, if I was lucky, a Northwest Canadian pharmacy offering an inexpensive Costco quantity alternative to Cialis, I was instead pleasantly surprised to be blessed with the following:
Make no mistake about it: Sabino wasn’t suggesting, he was demanding I get my act together and follow this highly secretive organization. However, this more than begged the obvious: which secret society could the favorite to spell likely starter Austin Spitler in the middle of the Ohio State linebacking core possibly be trying to indoctrinate me in?
The Japanese Yakuza
Known for their love of tattoos, primeval torture techniques, and a level of self awareness and unheralded comfort-in-their-own-skin making it completely acceptible to pall around together in adult pull ups, the Yakuza are indisputably some of the baddest dudes on the planet.
Sabino’s strategic aliance with an organization who knows 893 ways to kill you before your body hits the ground could prove beneficial in his quest to overcome Spitler’s seemingly entrenched hold on the top of the depth chart.
The Avenues
This Mexican street gang, rumored by many to be under the direct jursidiction of the Mexican Mafia, list extorition, racketeering, drug trafficking, and mass murder to their resume.
With a presence in some Los Angeles communties so thorough that even the LAPD has been unable to get any kind of footholds there in, Sabino may in fact be resorting to using all of his cunning, attempting to lure Pete Carroll into as many 4AM craps games as possible to strategically prevent Coach Carroll’s customary 11PM-6AM tape viewing time from being of any potential football net gain.
Keep making LA Better Coach! Don’t ever change!
The Illuminati
Perhaps the most damning of the bunch, Sabino’s involvement in the Illuminiati suggest a permissible Manchurian Candidate scenario some two and a half centuries in the making.
The Illuminati’s quest to poison the well of Ohio State football is hardly a mystery to most ardent Buckeye followers: the January 8th, 2007 Operation Epic Fail unleashed a previously unheard of level of coordination and execution as all 5-members of the Ohio State offensive line spent the better part of 3 hours lying on their backs like capsized tortoises and what little time on their own two feet speaking in tongues to one another.
Sabino, potenitally the latest agent in a long series of moles, could stand to ascend to the most vocal and arguably critical of the linebacker positions only to prove to be a saboteur.
Skull & Bones
Little is known about Skull & Bones other than their love of poorly tailored suits, and their rather vocal feelings that Stuff White People Like fails to come even remotely close to matching their inordinately lofty standards of whiteness. Sabino’s status as a large African-American may seem counter intuitive to what little visual evidence of the Skull & Bones existence would tend to suggest, but perhaps there in lies the real genius.
Skull & Bones’ master agenda, according to most experts on the topic, dates back almost a century, and seems to almost exclusively involve the spread and promulgation of a unique culture of xenophobic football and corresponding Napoleon complex throughout the Southern United States, which many believe may now have fully come to fruition. Perhaps the organization realizes the final culmination of their master plan depend at this point on several key, self fulfilling agents of implosion: a remotely controlled, brainwashed Sabino to bring an end to all that we know about stout defense in the Big 10, Frank Spanziani’s moustache to read the last rights to a floundering ACC, and the Cardinal Red Matter of Biblical apocalyptic proportions that is the Kragthorpe in Big East country (also known colloquially as Flavor Country).
While it may be difficult, if not impossible, to firmly come to terms with which specific clandestine act Sabino is working as agent of, I don’t doubt the theories will abound.
you know what’s better than a conversation about whether superman could take batman….a conversation about who would come out on top of a bad ass secret society royal rumble.
based on looks, i’d have to go with the yakuza. any man who only wears a cup and ’sleeves’ is an unconquerable bad ass in my opinion.
Deadliest Warrior on Spike is what you are looking for.
holy shit! i am ashamed to admit i had never ever heard of this show.
a thousand blessings upon your children!
Must DVR it EVERY week.
Deadliest Warrior rules.
Maybe he’s going to invite you into the Finer Things Club?
Excuse me, but what the fuck?
Just something to mix up the meat and potatoes.
I thought it was pretty cool.
He’s obviously talking about THE Buckeye Round Table.
It is the greatest organization of men currently in existence.
Do not fear what you do not know.
oh my god, i have been (though i have surmised that it is just me in denial) trying to convince people about “operation epic fail”. my inner conspiracy theorist was looking at replays of the national championship years ago on tv, and i saw offensive lineman looking like they were dumbfounded……and the fact that there were look-out blocks on nearly every series. i can’t pin anything on troy smith (you could see him shouting at the o-line on the sidelines….and eddie george looked completely embarrassed) after that lackluster performance by the o-line. sure the defense sucked ass, but the o-line had me thinking that they (at least a few) were payed off at the hotel days before they took the field. all im saying is that i wouldn’t be surprised. what a gut wrenching loss……and i remember being anxious as hell to get out of my evening class to watch that shit on tv. i hate to say it, but after that game my view of this football team changed.
and the hilarious thing, because i couldn’t get to sleep that night i was in so much shock……10 tv news was on around 5 in the morning and they had some news report about an alligator infestation in florida……where it cut to a gator being pulled out of some residents drained pool by a restraint pole……as if that was supposed to make me feel better.
Seriuously, try being on a ship. Everybody on god’s green earth found me. I was so sick I woke up at 0430, layed in bed till 7 and got to work an hour late. They where watching the news to see if I off’ed myself.
But I still wore my Troy Smith Jersey in that day.
That game changed how the whole b10 was viewed.
Why do you have to bring this up? I almost posted a diatribe about that team because your post got me remembering that experience, and caught myself before I hit submit. I really don’t want to remember it – because all of this sh*t is all their fault.
Welcome Luke, but tone down the wordiness and attempts at clever writing.. its like a fine spice, the perfect amount makes a dish fantastic, too much and you ruin the whole thing, you have to sprinkle it in
:)
No offense, but it sounded like Dennis Miller wrote that article, babe.
I predict this will be Etienne’s new favorite song (assuming he’s into progressive metal).
http://www.roadrunnerrecords.com/VIDEO/view.aspx?songID=2462
Whoa, that rocked.
Their new CD comes out on 6/23.
Currently #1 on Amazon.com Best-sellers in music.
http://www.amazon.com/Black-Clouds-Silver-Linings-Special/dp/B0026J8LHW/ref=pd_bxgy_m_text_b
Maybe he’s inviting you to join the Knights of the Scarlet Order. They used to meet in this little Bat Cave looking thing underneath the patio outside of the Ohio Union on campus.
http://news.cincinnati.com/apps/pbcs.dll/section?category=blog06&plckController=Blog&plckScript=blogScript&plckElementId=blogDest&plckBlogPage=BlogViewPost&plckPostId=Blog%3ade3ab7e7-5e43-4e32-8612-155786b59a09Post%3a267ef5b7-fc12-4dfa-addb-6f70c4303844&sid=sitelife.cincinnati.com
Andrew Hendrix weekly diary, says Tress is pressuring him, c’mon, he wouldn’t do that.
hendrix sounds like he’s not a huge fan of the recruiting process (i wouldn’t be either), but i have a hard time thinking that Tressel’s “pressure” is anything close to what zook or dick rod “pressure” might be like
After having a few days to chew on the Keith Uecker hire, I have realized what a big deal this is. Given JT’s history on hiring/firing assistant’s, which is almost all hiring and no firing, this is as close as it gets to saying, “hey bud, I got my eye on you, step it up, or else!”. The o-line’s performance in the Texas game caused me to realize that maybe Bollman deserves another chance. Maybe it was a talent issue and not poor teaching. This move is the most effective way to address this situation, without outright firing Bollman. It seems comparable to getting a second opinion from another doctor or specialist. Anyone who believes Tress is stubborn, and he may be to some extent, should take a step back and realize this man has 5 titles and played for 7, he knows what he is doing.
(correct me if Im wrong on the “played for 7″ statement, not real familiar with the YSU days)
- Chris Wells was held to 10 yards after halftime
- the line gave up three sacks, including a critical one after the last Texas score
- we passed for 176 yards against a porous Texas secondary
Not exactly a redeeming performance for a coach who has overseen unmitigated disasters against USC, LSU and Florida. There is no “talent” issue; talent is coming here to die. We are the Florida State of line talent. Alex Boone, attitude problems and all, was still a five star. Cordle and Person were four stars. Brewster was the best lineman on the field last fall, and I happen to believe it’s because he only had had one year of Bollman’s tutelage under his belt.
Boone and Rehring got worse their last two years here. A number of other players never developed.
yeah, the last straw for me with tressel was the game against texas. i mean the guy plays not to lose. yeah, i know the line(s) haven’t permormed well and the defense has been poor against good teams, but eventually you have to look at the strategy on the field. it’s like osu comes out swinging against teams they should beat, but when it’s a primetime affair against a team like usc or psu, they opt to grind it out (and no, it’s not just because the team is just soooo much better, the playcalling sucks). i wonder if the team is afraid to step up in an important game. i watched the wisconisn game from last year and it is a good example. it was a primetime game, which was critical for both teams. osu comes out swinging with that long beanie wells run in the first quarter, and im like, hey, they got their act together…….then it all went downhill, until the final drive where they had to score to win…….and what did we find out about wisconsin after that game? that they sucked. however, they were rated at the time, and osu played down to their level. they read the newspaper and they buy into the media. it gets into their head, guarnteed. it is supposed to be fun, but they make it look like it’s this painful exercise the entire game during a “big” game.
Here’s what I think: the Jim Tressel style of football – run-focused offense, tough-nosed defense, and solid special teams- really works, and is arguably the most dominant type of team one can field if the talent and coaching are in place to execute it properly. Nick Saban and Pete Carroll have similar offensive and defensive philosophies to Jim Tressel, but they have the bright minds working under them who develop the talent necessary to field said dominant teams. Jim Tressel… does not. I like Luke Fickell, but I’m not sure Bollman and Heacock would find a job on a Pete Carroll, Nick Saban, or Urban Meyer staff.
Sam, Beanie got a concussion and had to leave the game. He ran for 100 yards in the first half, and the running game USUALLY picks up the farther along in the game you get. Not coincidentally, we had a shit 3rd quarter on offense…looked a lot like what happened with USC when we had no Beanie. He could have possibly rushed for 200+ in Glendale, maybe would have been good for 150+ against the Trojans, but we’ll never know.
Anyway, new season this Fall. Thing is, we’re probably not going to beat USC. I know it sucks for a lot of our fans to hear, but those kids over there know what it takes to win big games – they know the mental and physical side of things. USC has really only lost 1 big game in the last 7 years, and that was 4 years ago, so they really only know how to win them. Our guys have never seen what it takes to win big games – really, the only thing they’ve been exposed to is that they don’t have what it takes to win.
You could probably put the over-under on USC’s points at 28 in the Horseshoe. They’re good for at least 28 points, even with a new QB and new offensive linemen. Is our offense good for 30+ against a defense that will be plugging in 5-star LB’s for the ones that just left? Taylor Mayes is still there. 7 points against Florida, 24 against LSU, 21 against Illinois in 2007, 3 against USC, 6 against Penn State, 21 against Texas (6 until 10 minutes remained in the game).
There’s a good possibility that we will score 1, maybe 2 TDs against USC. That means we need to stop them on defense. Guess what? 41 against Florida, 38 against LSU, 28 against Illinois in 2007, 35 against USC…there’s no hope to beat them on defense.
We’ll need to hold USC to 28 and hope Pryor shreds them. That’s so much to ask from a Tressel team that it’s laughable. It’s another bad matchup in my opinion.
If I’m not mistaken, Beanie on the bench didn’t happen until well into the fourth quarter. Either way, it was not a particularly impressive half for the line. I simply think Muschamp adjusted to whatever had worked for Ohio State in the first half, and (yet again) our own staff failed to adjust in turn.
Sorry, I am mistaken, it happened 2 minutes into the 4th quarter.
Still, I’d say Herron did quite well for himself in his absence.
It’s a bit of a logical fallacy to associate getting out-adjusted by Muschamp in the second half of the Fiesta Bowl with poor coaching. Besides Muschamp being heralded in the industry as the master of the second half adjustment, making that claim would put Bollman in such company as Gary Crowton, Dan Mullen, Jimbo Fisher, Kevin Wilson, et al.
It’s sort of a bizarre case study, as Tressel and Bollman looked stubborn to a fault against Florida but actually did a moderately respectable job tweaking things against LSU. I think the meme blindly claiming this staff “doesn’t make adjustments” is intellectually dishonest given the dozens of games they have made changes with a positive outcome. Even if you want to classify it as “big” games alone, that discredits multiple Michigan games, the ‘06 Fiesta Bowl (against a talented team that lost on a bad call to the eventual final #2), and the Miami game where adjustments were made with net gains.
Small sample sizes are fun and convenient to make rash generalizations with, especially given recent frustrations, but if Ohio State comes out and routes SC this fall, has anything honestly really changed?
However, the coaches on your list have – outside of Mullen and Wilson, I believe – actually beaten Muschamp-coached defenses, and all of them have had some measure of success past the first half. Not to mention success against ones coached by John Chavis, Bo Pelini, and numerous other defensive luminaries. The claim (or at least the criticism I’m making) is not that the offensive staff “doesn’t make adjustments”, but rather it doesn’t know how to react when the other team is the one adjusting. If Ohio State shows up offensively in the second half against a reasonably good defensive team (i.e. not Michigan, or anyone really outside of Penn State and SC) this year, I’ll buy into the notion that we have an offensive system we can build an elite team with. Until then, I and other skeptics am not really being given much to work on. Miami seven years ago and Michigan every year simply don’t count.
Correction: an offensive system with the proper level of talent and coaching with which we may build a championship team.
I started reading these comments, and got really depressed, I felt like the wheels were coming off for us as fans. Then Luke’s comment added some clarity, and I started thinking about it. We’re going to be fine.
Think about this, after watching the florida game, what made you more sick, how bad we lost, or how bad we played? Anybody who followed ohio state that year, and watched every game, like we all did, can all say this much: play that game over 10 times and tell me we dont win at least 8 of them, (teddy getting hurt was such a mental blow to start that game), or just play that game in november, tell me you dont like our chances. Florida was not a better team that year than us, plain and simple.
You all remember that feeling when Troy Smith was the quarterback, and you just felt like we could be down by 14 late, and you had 100% faith that he’d find a way to pull it off. Did you ever feel that for one second with Boeckman? In ‘07 I felt like I was just waiting for Henton to be good enough to play over Todd. When we played LSU, did you really feel like we had a better team than LSU? And if you run back that test of playing them 10 times, how many games you think we’d win? Maybe 3?
Fast forward to now, We’ve lost some big games, but dont you feel like a boost of confidence could make this team really special? We have Lebron in Freakin’ cleats, the next Vince Young, The number 1 guy in the nation. he started in his 4th game, and never gave up the spot again. He lost a tough game to a very good penn state team, on a freshman-type mistake. He beat a texas (A texas team, who had a legitemite gripe for not being in the championship game), realize that; Terrelle Pryor beat texas, we missed a tackle, not overthrew a touchdown. That was his FRESHMAN YEAR.
We brought somebody in to potentially shake up the way things are being handled with our O-line, which I think we all can agree is a welcomed change. Terrelle is coming back and this is HIS team. He’s the leader, and his teams character will be formed by him. This is going to be a confident, hungry team, that by the way is going to be a lot faster. Are you really worried? We’re playing USC who is looking to start Aaron Freakin CORP (isnt he a walk-on?). We’re playing them in the ’shoe in front of what will be a record crowd, under the lights, can you smell the Terrelle coming out party? This team needed confidence, Terrelle will infuse that into them, and I’ve tried to avoid using this word but… We havent had the swagger of a great team, look at USC, Look at Florida, Miami when they where good. We haven’t had it since the florida game, we will have it this year, count on it. Florida beating us, completely changed the direction of both programs, I’m not saying we are going to change USC’s direction, but a win for us will.
Dont fret guys, We’re gonna be fine, things are going to open up alot more in the offense this year, and the defense might learn how to implement a QB spy this year (Right?). Its our time.
Ive said my piece
Ill_Buckeye, I think I felt it move a little! :)